It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize