My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
