He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
