I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
