put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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