Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
