I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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