Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
