During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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