Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
