I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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