he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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