He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
