I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
