he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
