So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
