Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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