Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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