It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
