I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think my nap took me to another dimension
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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