I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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