I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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