My liver just broke up with me...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
