Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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