i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
