I wish my penis had an off switch
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
