We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
