im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
