First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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