I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
