There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
