Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
