Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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