Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
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