I looked at my own cervix.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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