I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
