I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
