I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
