my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
