8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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