Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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