The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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