Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
