hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize