he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
