I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
