I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
