This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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