He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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