i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize