Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
