I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sarcasm needs its own font
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
