He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
