I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
