Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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