I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
