i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
