my shit smells like andre
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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