i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
