WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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