I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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