I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
