What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
