i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
