I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
