Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
