He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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