You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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