YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
