Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Brb crying the tears of my youth
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize