At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
